|image from www.huffingtonpost.com|
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Please note: This post contains explicit content on sexual abuse.
"When my second child was arriving, I went into labour...and knowing that, my husband went to a friends party. I was alone in the hospital for a while, and terrified, till my mother arrived.
Thankfully, he decided to show up…. eventually, about an hour before the delivery.
He’s an intimidating man, I normally don’t speak up in front of him. In fact, I was so scared of him I couldn’t even ask him to come to the hospital with me instead of going to the party. So I just went alone.
Immediately after the birth of my child he spoke to the hospital staff, stating that our first born
was still a toddler, and that I was needed at home because of that. I was discharged within 6 hours. I guess in Pakistan they don’t give enough importance to rest and recovery for a post-birth mother. Or at least they didn’t when I was having my children.
I had a normal vaginal delivery, but had an episiotomy (a surgical cut to the perineum with scissors or a scalpel to make the baby's birth easier and prevent severe tears that can be difficult to repair) so I was in excruciating pain and had a lot of stitches.
As soon as I got home, I was expected to care for all my in laws, cook and clean for them as well as look after my two children. An impossible feat when one can barely stand. The first days after child-birth, you need pampering, as any new mother will tell you. You need to be looked after and you need to recover. You need all the help you can get. And to have two children under four, is extremely exhausting. To be expected to cook and clean and wait on people as soon as you enter the house, borders on some sort of abuse. It is abuse actually, now that I look back on it. I don’t know how I managed. But somehow I did, because I had no choice. I was expected to take over the house work, because I was the ‘daughter-in-law’ and that was my role. If I refused the consequences could have been worse. I got through it somehow, but I would never wish it upon anyone.
On the third day after my delivery my husband tried to initiate intercourse and I told him (hesitantly) that I had stitches, and that the doctor had told us to refrain for 40 days as well. Then he got mad (as he often did) and I was terrified of him going elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs so I decided to just let him do what he wanted. He said he 'needed' it, and that nothing would happen.
He said that I shouldn’t refuse him sex because then he would have to go elsewhere for it. He could tell that I was in pain and he continued anyway, my body had tensed up, I told him that I was worried my stitches would tear, and he told me it would be ok, because he would be careful.
After that experience I was bleeding excessively and had to continue doing the housework for the whole household including waiting on my in-laws. At my next doctors visit, I told my doctor that we had had sex on the third day and she was very shocked and upset. She told me that we had to refrain. But even after that we continued having sex every four or five days (not my choice). I have never refused my husband sex, ever. Its just not an option. I was raised to keep the peace and please my husband.
Generally my husband has a very high sex drive – he wanted sex every day. Sometimes, but rarely, there would be a one-day gap.
Many years later, we obviously don’t have a great relationship. But I continue to do what I need to, to keep my marriage going.
I am sharing my story, so that other women may speak up if this is happening to them."
Honestly, I am far too shocked and disturbed after hearing your story to really know what to say.
I'm sorry.... I'm so so so sorry....I can't believe this happened to you.
In my opinion, what you experienced right after an episiotomy was marital rape. Extremely brutal, manipulative, selfish marital rape. The man who did this to you...I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the fact that you continue to be with him, and try to 'keep your marriage going'. This story is the stuff nightmares are made of. You survived... you are an incredible, wonderful, strong human being. My advice to you would be to get the fuck away from this man.
But that being said, I know its not easy for anyone to get out of an abusive relationship. From the outside it seems easy enough, get away from the person sucking your soul and abusing you... but its not that simple is it? I can find resources for you if you need...I can find people for you to talk to...if anyone knows any organizations in Pakistan that specialize in these situations, please do leave a link below in the comments.
Generally though, we have to understand that divorce is not 'acceptable', still....especially for a woman in Pakistan. She is immediately regarded as someone who has lost value. A 'used product'. It's a disgusting mentality, that further objectifies a group of people that are already objectified beyond belief. It is dehumanizing, but it is real. :(
In many cases people do not receive support from their own families. They are told to 'make it work' - which is what we see above. Who knows how many years of psychological and physical abuse this person has endured. And who knows what kinds of severe impact it's had on her life, her children's life...
Divorce is something we need to start talking about as a culture more often. Add that to the fucking mile-long list.
Marital rape is something we need to start talking about too.... It is happening all around us, especially when there is no awareness that there can be rape within marriage too.
There is this sense of obligation to a man. To satisfy his 'needs' - because, well.... he's a man. What else are women here for?
This is bullshit. If you don't feel like sex EVER...don't do it. Please know that you don't owe it to anyone. And any loving partner will understand that. If they don't understand, they are the problem. This case in particular is especially horrific, considering he didn't care that she was stitched up and in pain. He had 'needs' and he wanted to satisfy them.. didn't give a fuck that she would continue to bleed, and not heal. He could have caused all kinds of complications...its inhumane, and there is no way this kind of thing can be justified.
Oh, turns out it can...
some hadith I came across on islam.com (NOT an anti muslim site, but one run by muslims, for muslims. ) The following was what was quoted to a husband stating that he is sexually frustrated because him and his wife are not getting along and she refuses physical intimacy:
Monday, September 22, 2014
Most of the emails I receive are from Pakistan, but every once in a while, I get an email from India too. The concerns, issues and way of thinking is always strikingly similar. Recently, the Indian media has been showing an interest in my work. Which is great, some articles are more professionally written than others...but anyhow, that has led to a larger Indian readership for Nice Mangos, welcome, and I hope you'll stick around and interact!
Here is an email I received from India last week (obviously shared with consent of the sender), and before you start finger-pointing one way or another, this is an issue I hear time and time again from my fellow Pakistanis too. The googlesearch tool in blogger, tells me what search words were entered for people to end up here...and I can't tell you how MANY people are looking for stuff on incest in India and Pakistan...what is up with that? Honestly, what do you think causes this fascination in our region for people from within our immediate family? I would love to hear thoughts and comments below..
Anyhoo, here goes;
I regret a lot ,but still cant forget my love/attraction towards my sister. what should i do? am the only one? how bad this is?
Now she is married, but still i cant stop thinking about her, her prescence makes me so happy..
but sometimes in nights getting bad thoughts again and thinking about her. sometimes masturbating on thinkin her
badly want to stop and come out of this...
what to do?
As for the 'sin' part, yes, I do believe 'incest' a sin in most major religions (though incest is defined differently by different groups), but so is stuff like masturbation, eating shellfish, eating a cheeseburger, showing your hair...sooo yeah, the largest issue is: you were taking advantage of her while she was sleeping...there is NO consent involved. And that is sexual abuse.
Even though I personally find incest icky, creepy and all sorts of nasty, if you and your sister *wanted* to have a consensual relationship, that would be a different issue. You would be consenting adults, and though most countries might have laws against it, no one could actually prevent what goes on behind closed doors. Society would judge you, and judge you harshly...it certainly wouldn't be an easy life. But throughout history there have been people who have had such relationships. I am trying not to let my personal biases against incest take over the tone of this post. Bear with me.
That being said, there are obvious benefits of widening the gene pool, and obvious issues with not doing so. Inbreeding and its effects on offspring is probably the number one reason that people site to support their distaste for incest.
So in short, no, you are not the only person to have this type of feeling. But taking advantage of anyone without consent is unethical and abusive.
The fact that she has been asleep through all of this and has no clue what you've been doing to her body, breasts, butt....is incredibly violating, and plain wrong. She could press charges against you for that, and rightfully so.
As for you having 'bad thoughts' enter your mind about her, and masturbating to those thoughts. I mean, there is no way of anyone policing what you're masturbating to....you could be thinking anything... and no one will know. You could tell me you've stopped and still continue, so it's tricky to discuss the thoughts in your head, because there is no way for anyone to control or know those. You feel guilt, and shame, and you want to get out of the habit...so that's a start. I don't think it's healthy at all for anyone to be sexually obsessed with their sibling, especially in a one-sided thing, even if there were no elements of non-consensual touching...
She is married, as you said. She has a life of her own, with someone else, and obviously does not share your feelings. You feelings won't lead to anything but disappointment and frustration for you. But the fact that you recognize this and want to stop is a good sign. So I suggest you try dating, find someone else... far far outside your family... see what else there is out there....perhaps you have never given anyone else a chance because your mind has been preoccupied with one person.
Definitely do not sleep in the same room as her, if she does come home for a sleepover or something.
I'm hoping that if you meet someone else, you can get over this. Plus the fact that she doesn't live with you anymore will probably help.
As for masturbating, find something else to wank to. The internet is full of stroke material. Try to not think about your sister.
Thanks for reaching out. Hope you can get over this and enjoy a healthy mutual attraction with someone.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Thank you for your incredibly informative email. Thank you especially for writing some of the words entirely in uppercase, in case I miss the fact that they are central to this conversation and need to be highlighted, like my name for example. I might have missed that this email was addressed to me, had you not graciously put it in all caps.
I was hoping you could clarify a couple of things for me;
"i have read ;"
You mention at the beginning of your email that you have read something. I'm not sure what it is that you have read though...or is it that you have read things in general? Which is nice to know, I assure you.
"discussion on BLOWJOB AND ANAL SEX"
Then you go on to point out that this will be some sort of discussion? Except, there are no questions asked, or no opinions solicited. Not much a of a discussion per se, but thank you for reaching out with your accurate research and detailed findings. And you certainly waste no time getting to the core of your thesis.
"mostly women from pakistan do not like to give blowjob to men and in the same way men do not like to suck and lick the pussy of a woman,"
I'm grateful for your generous use of adjectives and academic terminology. Your research seems to be unprecedented, revolutionary, and quite astounding to be honest. The above statement has sent me into a state of shock. Never have I come across such findings, in all my amateur browsing of the internet. I may write a blog on Pakistani sexuality but I am in no way a qualified professional like yourself, who seems to be in possession of statistics and specific percentages of things I had no idea were being studied officially in our great country.
"according to me this number is 80%.only 20% who are effected by western culture and internet.this is only a assumption that pakistani society is effected too much."
Now bear with me for a second because my inexperience is showing here and I seem to be having trouble comprehending your academic-speak. I am not familiar with this research institute you mention,
"according to me"
What exactly does "M.E." stand for? Where in Pakistan is this cutting edge sex research centre located? And they must be truly dedicated to the progress of science if despite the local attitudes towards sex and sexuality they are pursuing research such as this. It must be no easy task to find willing participants in such a study. May I ask how many people are included in the study?
Now forgive me for simplifying your complex statement, but is it safe to assume you are saying that 80% of people in Pakistan are not open to performing oral sex on their partner, but are open to receiving? Or is it that they are not open to either? Which implies that the remaining 20% are open to oral sex because they have been seduced by the warlocks of the West as well as the blatantly satanic invention of the internet. They are using these things to slowly infiltrate our society and tatter the reputation of our pure land...that much is apparent.
The other numbers you mentioned are lost on me I'm afraid. Perhaps with a few more years of experience, and some research of my own I can some day understand the implication of the figures you provided above.
And do correct me if I'm wrong, but are you implying that anal sex is far more common than oral sex in Pakistan? Despite it being explicitly forbidden in the Quran?
That is quite the interesting statement. To be honest, I have never even thought to weigh the occurrences of one sexual act against the other in this manner. But I will definitely look into this and report back what I find. Thank you again for sharing your research. And for ranking our country's provinces in descending order of how much anal may or may not be going on. I find this categorization unique and out-of-the-box. I have never seen our provinces in this light, and frankly, its a refreshing way to look at them.
1-kpk 2-baluchistan 3-sindh 4-punjab&ak
I have found our 'discussion' enlightening.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Dear Eiynah,I am writing to you in relation to your blog, and also your recent book 'My Chacha is Gay'. I must commend your efforts in tackling the thorny stance that Pakistanis have adopted with regards to sexuality. I sincerely hope that your book is well received. Such initiatives are sorely needed within the Pakistani community, not least in Britain, where I live. Sadly, intolerance seems to have become the dominant aspect of our 'culture', not just with reference to sexuality, but also to religion, ethnic origin, and any other possible criterion we can use to highlight our own individual superiority to those around us.
Lets just hear those words again, shall we?
"Sadly, intolerance seems to have become the dominant aspect of our 'culture', not just with reference to sexuality, but also to religion, ethnic origin, and any other possible criterion we can use to highlight our own individual superiority to those around us."
In my humble opinion, truer words have rarely been spoken.
I remember attending a Pakistani wedding a few years ago. I was seated amongst the men, who were discussing Pakistani politics, and the women were celebrating in one of the rooms next to us. A few of the men sitting at a nearby table scoffed at the sound of the music seeping in from the room next door into ours, and remarked that perhaps if Pakistani women were to show greater propriety, then the country might not be in such an awful state!
The typical ignorant mentality, with nothing to back it but a bunch of hocus pocus. The same kind of thinking that is responsible for correlating homosexuality with earthquakes and masturbation with the death of kittens :P. As appalling as it is, this idiocy is everywhere. How much more 'propriety' do they want from Pakistani women, for fuck's sake? Was the fact that the women were shut into another room not enough? How dare they laugh, and ... listen to music....*gasp*
We are already married/ sold at the whim of our families (at disgustingly young ages some times), brought in to do housework and open our legs on command. We never dare to speak up about how we too have desires and feelings, because of this 'impropriety' bs. We shut the fuck up and bear children, one after another till we've finally produced an acceptable amount of sons. We keep our opinions to ourselves - because wtf do women know about important matters...we are segregated, pushed aside, covered up and kept indoors because our bodies and our existence is shameful. Damn these breasts!!
I remember being thoroughly appalled by the nature of their comments, but sadly I didn't feel surprised at all. I recall another family friend once telling me that Pakistani society could never move forward until the red-light district in Lahore was permanently closed and cleansed. She (!) used the Urdu word 'saafai' (cleaning) for what needed to happen, but again, such remarks are hardly surprising.
You're right, they are unsurprising. Perhaps we have just been numbed or de-sensitized from generations of putting up with crap like this. I assure you, the red-light district in Lahore is not at all responsible for the ills of Pakistani society. Just how delusional are these people? If they want to see whats responsible, they should look inside mosques. There, I said it.
The type of intolerance that is spread through religious institutions in Pakistan is shocking. All comfortably under the cozy blanket of religion. The untouchable, un-critiquable, almighty, intangible, unprovable concept of 'faith'. Sigh. Till these things remain unchallenged and unreformed, we are certainly headed for dark times. We can deny, and blame shit on sex workers, homosexuals, non-believers...and continue to regress....
I would also like to share with you a few of my own personal opinions on some of the issues which you have raised on your blog. My comments abound with generalisations, particularly with regards to my use of the phrase 'Pakistani community' in the UK. Of course, there is no coherent, cohesive body, but instead a rather fractured and diverse range of individuals existing within the diaspora settled in the United Kingdom.
I note that you have asked a number of your respondents whether they feel that Pakistan is a sexually repressed country. I would proffer that Pakistanis are not sexually repressed - but have instead adopted an increasingly warped view of sexuality; one that is inextricably intertwined with misogyny and prejudice. In many respects, the Pakistani community in Britain is far more unwilling to discuss these issues openly in comparison to diaspora communities in North America and Canada, and even in Pakistan itself. There appears to be a blanket denial that sexuality forms a perfectly healthy part of human life. However, underlying this is another layer of prejudice which is at the heart of understanding sexual attitudes amongst British Pakistanis, and that is the issue of race. The threat of one's race being polluted or despoiled as a result of a relationship with a non-Pakistani (or, in some particularly depressing cases, a Pakistani of a different ethnic or religious identity), seems to encourage certain elements of our community into adopting a stance which ensures that misogynistic attitudes are reinforced. There even appears to be a perverse, unwritten hierarchy of preferred races. Obviously, Pakistanis (usually of one's ethnic/social background) are always the preferred choice for a potential partner. By and large, Pakistani women (particularly those from Pakistan rather than those raised in the UK), are considered to be dutiful, honest and obedient. This overwhelming need for purity is highlighted by the number of Pakistanis who travel overseas to find a wife, rather than try to find one in the UK.
Ugh, this travelling to the motherland to find a dutiful, 'unspoiled by the West' wife is beyond horrific. Not to mention supremely hypocritical, but hypocrisy and double standards seem to be an accepted part of these groups. Whats ok for them, is not ok for their women. And they don't try to hide it.
Someone English (or just 'white') lies in the middle of this hierarchy and is often viewed with a mixture of awe and disgust. Such partners are often praised or envied for the fairness of their skin, yet derided for their lack of family values or (in the case of women) for dressing indecently. At the bottom of this hierarchy lie those of African-Caribbean heritage. For a Pakistani to take black partner is simply considered unacceptable, and is on par with being homosexual, that other great taboo.
Hit the nail on the head there, "viewed with a mixture of awe and disgust." - an odd combination of aspiration and condescension.
You bring up an important point - this hierarchy of race and colour within the Pakistani community has boggled my mind for years. Even amongst ourselves, we have shadeism and a ranking of Pakistani ethinicities... sigh.
It is here again that I must praise your book 'My Chacha is Gay'. Are you aware of whether this book is being published either in Pakistan or in the UK?
Thank you kindly *blush* - It has been published here in Canada, and we are shipping it all over the world! :D I've sent quite a few copies to the UK , only a few to Pakistan sadly, but that is a whole other blog post. You can get a copy at www.mychachaisgay.com
I would be interested to know of the impact that it would have in either country, specifically amongst the Pakistani diaspora in the UK. Such a publication was long overdue. I know you are most probably being inundated with messages about how unacceptable your book is and how it is the most immoral thing to be published since Marquis du Sade's '120 Days of Sodom',
(Ah...such flattery..haha yes indeed, I do get several interesting messages a day! The comparisons of my CHILDREN'S book to Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses I find the most amusing/bizarre! :P
but you have rendered an important service to everyone who values equality and diversity. I can only hope that such a publication will lead to a greater awareness of homosexuality amongst Pakistanis worldwide and will enable this subject to discussed without the stigma which is overwhelmingly associated with it.
A pretty accurate analysis of the immensely sad and shameful Rotherham case. I cannot believe that one of the monsters involved has actually been able to leave the country and go to Pakistan where pedophilia is rampant, often unreported and punished. I have struggled with whether I should write about this case or not, but I am just consumed with anger any time I think about it. I wouldn't even know where to begin.I honestly believe that there is a widespread need for sex education within these communities. However, it is not just schoolchildren who need to be educated, but entire households. Many parents within the Pakistani communities living in these areas have not received any sex education (or any academic education at all, for that matter). As a result, I believe it is important for the authorities to consider the need for the provision of sex education, not only in English, but also in Urdu for parents and families as a whole. Furthermore, the mosques of the United Kingdom should do their utmost to openly engage with the topic of sexuality.
YES YES YES!!! This can't be stressed enough. As you pointed out, the UK Muslim community is alarmingly intolerant (not all obviously, but a frighteningly large number) - this is not a matter of cultural sensitivity, its a matter of holding everyone to the same standards. They seem to be a rather isolated community, unlike Canada, where I live - on the whole we do a pretty good job of including and engaging everyone. In fact I met someone who worked for an organization who went around giving sex ed talks in mosques around Toronto, which I thought was brilliant. This kind of thing needs to be done everywhere.
Many young men in their early teens will be enlisted at a mosque by their parents, and I believe an effort should be made by mosques to discuss these issues openly and frankly. Blindly ignoring these issues will only lead to another generation of misogynists, with disastrous consequences.
Somebody get this guy into a mosque^ - honestly...you put things so accurately. You have great vision, and an ability to see the bigger picture. We need more people like you speaking out. You need a job with the government.
It is a great shame that the Pakistani communities living it the UK have failed to tackle these issues, but it is not entirely surprising either. Pakistanis in the UK are amongst the poorest performing ethnic groups in fields such as education, health, employment and housing. The existence of ethnic ghettos in certain areas in the Midlands and North of England is testament to this. These communities face a varied range of issues, ranging from religious extremism to drug addiction and homelessness.
Much like in Pakistan itself, there is a thin film of elites within the Pakistani diaspora in the UK, who seek to distance themselves from the issues facing the majority of the Pakistanis.
I also wish you the best of luck and hope that your blog continues to attract success.
Thank you so much for your email. I think you've said what a lot of people have been thinking, and you've put it in a very streamlined and organized way.