Monday, September 3, 2012

Pakistanis & Cunnilingus...


Hello Eiynah,

I ran across your blog while searching lots of interesting topics via the internet, and found it incredibly interesting. I'm a Caucasian female who was previously married to a Pakistani man for a disastrous period of approximately 10months. Although I am a Muslim, as was he, I guess I just didn't take into account that his raising in Pakistan gave him a uniquely arrogant view on sex, primarily, I dress up in sexy lingerie for him, while he decides to go at it with next to no foreplay whatsoever (does spread your legs count??!!), and then he expected me to orgasm just from that......

Anyhow, I was wondering if you knew opinions about, or would do an interview/survey on how common cunnilingus is in Pakistan/Pakistanis? From what you're aware, are ethnic Pakistanis raised in North America, or elsewhere, more open to it? Lots of guys love fellatio, but at least not as many of them seem to be willing to reciprocate and pleasure their partner in the same way; here's to quietly hoping I might be misinformed...

I am actually probably going to be remarried to a Pakistani fellow who was raised half his life in Canada, and he seems to have released most of the cultural baggage from being raised in Pakistan, so is very westernized, and acknowledges that foreplay is very necessary and a healthy part of good sex. We aren't planning to have sex before marriage, so I'll have to find out about cunnilingus after marriage, but I am silently optimistic. 

(If you guys are comfortable discussing foreplay, why not bring up the subject of oral sex as well? That way you won't be in for any surprises later on)

It seems like oral sex is something they [Pakistani men] really want to do, but may stay away from. I don't even think that it's religion that would keep them away from it, even if they are married, for instance, there is nowhere in the Muslim religion that states that oral sex isn't allowed, but then they will look closer at what some mullah is saying, that since they use their mouths in prayer, they can't do anything "dirty" like that with their mouths. Really, there is nothing unclean about it, as long both people are following basic rules of hygiene, and they still can't really use religion as an excuse, b/c if they look back at the Quran, and their own hadith, etc. there really is nothing from God stating that oral sex is unclean, and you can't do it, people assume.

I could go on and on about this, at least from the religious perspective, but in my eyes, at least if they're married, don't use God as an excuse if you just don't like it, just be honest, instead of coming up w/ excuse after excuse. I personally, enjoy it, aside from regular intercourse, and hope to be giving and receiving in my future marriage :)

Hope you can help me with my little question, thanks for your time, and keep up the interesting work on your blog!


Meena



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Now this rings a bell, don't it? Sounds very similar to Fahmida's situation. Like I've said before... its sad how ridiculously common this is....especially with Pakistanis. I've heard it countless times.

(I actually received this email before I put up Fahmida's story... so one was not influenced by the other)

Anyhow....recently, I was out for dinner with some friends... just soaking in the last bits of our fleeting Toronto summer.... sitting on a patio in Greek town...and I was telling them about the last post...when a male friend of mine (caucasian) looked quite surprised... he said something like, 

"Really? I thought guys were willing to do pretty much anything to please a woman they want to have sex with...Isn't the opposite more common?"

I was a bit surprised at that suggestion actually, and asked him to clarify. He mentioned that he had been turned down for oral by a girl or two before. Then he even mentioned a saying, one that I've never heard before: (Apparently) brides smile so much on their wedding day because they've given their last blowjob. 

Hahahah WTF! I was pretty taken aback by that one...I mean of course I've heard of women not being into it before... I've met some (very few) that say they hate going down on men, and some (like 2) that say they pretty much refuse to do it all together... but then I don't think they are expecting to be pleasured orally each time either. But to hear that there was an expression dealing with the subject was very surprising indeed. Mainly because i was like Whoa what a contrast to what I've been hearing lately. 

I just began to wonder if there was a geographical divide to who performed more and received more...oral-sex wise. Could it be that where women are more often in subservient roles...that they perhaps feel its more of a 'duty' for them to do whatever (within socially/religiously acceptable boundaries) it takes to please their man in bed, and not demand anything in return? In contrast, could it be that where women feel more comfortable voicing their tastes/desires in bed  they are also more comfortable refusing?   

Its just an interesting thought.... I'm sure there are no hard numbers to gauge the amount of cunnilingus that is performed vs refused in the eastern part of the world. However, there may be some research about how much oral sex is turned down by males vs. females in the West. If you find something let me know... cuz in the short amount of time I have to dedicate to doing this blog post.. I haven't been able to find anything. 

However I did come across something interesting on Wikipedia, something I was totally unaware of:

Miscarriage reduction
Oral sex is correlated with reducing the risk of miscarriages by inducing immunological tolerance to the proteins in sperm, a process known as paternal tolerance. While any exposure to a partner's semen during sexual activity appears to decrease a woman's chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy, immunological tolerance could be most quickly established through oral introduction and gastrointestinal absorption of semen.[25][26] Recognizing that some of the studies potentially included the presence of confounding factors, such as the possibility that women who regularly perform oral sex and swallow semen also engage in more frequent intercourse, the researchers also noted that, either way, "the data still overwhelmingly supports the main theory" behind all their studies—that repeated exposure to semen establishes the maternal immunological tolerance necessary for a safe and successful pregnancy.[26][27]
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Learn somethin' new every day!
Anyhow, Pakistani gentlemen...please do leave a comment for Meena... It'd be great to hear how you feel about Cunnilingus, maybe we can spot a trend and draw a (vague) conclusion. Though I'm pretty sure that my readers are not the best representatives of 'average Pakistani males' - it'll at least be a start. 

For now, here's what my male interviewees had to say about oral sex:

Fahad, Male, 24
I'm very enthusiastic about oral sex :P – I think in society in general...all over the world, oral sex isn’t looked upon too favourably though. But amongst the people I hang out with I'm pretty sure that its just seen as another natural part of 'sex'. It probably seems like a “rebellious act” to people who don’t approve of it mainly because it’s a sexual act that is not linked to procreation. 
To get to oral sex you need to be at least a little open to exploring. 

Sultan, Male, 19 
I don’t think oral sex should be forced onto anyone – if both partners are willing, then I don’t see anything wrong with it. You should take into account the other person who is performing the act of oral sex and their views and opinions.

Oral sex is a relatively…uh… lets say its forbidden in most religions and most people in Pakistan are religious in nature, that’s what comes to my mind, cuz sex is something natural and everyone does it but oral sex is something (it might be natural) but its something people are hesitant towards. But not me.

(An interesting opinion Sultan...sounds a tad confused at times... but  you're still young)


Khizer, Male, 26 
I think it’s great. Love it. I think it works both ways, I don’t see why someone would expect it if they weren’t willing to give it as well. It’s a mutual thing.


Imad, Male, 25 
Oral sex is great – both ways. More often than not… I think sexual intercourse is an equal act – based on both people’s pleasure. But there are days when you’re lazy I guess… (Laughs)

(Having an off day is perfectly natural I think, not everyone is up for everything all the time, but if someone is constantly inconsiderate towards their partner in bed... thats definitely an issue that extends outside the bedroom)

Qasim, Male, 26 

(Thinks for a long time) I'm ok with it....i dont see it as being anything wrong... it involves 2 people and if they decide to go down that path then yes. There are times when that would seem like more of an easier way out kind of a deal...

('Go down' that path indeed :P pun not intended I presume?)

i dont see anything wrong with it ... as an organ.... its as clean as anything else in ur body... if ur getting it and the other person wants it why not. I dont get how it would work with a genital piercing.... cuz that would be odd.. for now at least i dont see anything wrong with it...ive never done it before...but i would hope i would be open minded enough about it.

(You do seem a little hesitant though...I wonder why...)


Ali, Male, 29
I think its good ..... for both sexes.....no issues...i know what people think in our culture and even though a lot of men aren't ok with it, I have no issues 

NJ, 42, Male
It’s a turn on for me and I will say that since I am more into smells; it depends if her juices are sexy smelling I like to lick her deep inside and I also have fantasy of licking sniffing female asshole even when I am typing this it makes me horny hard rock thinking of desi girls ass and feeling smell of  her slightly dirty ass. But if a female or younger male  have bad breath or foul down smell it will turn me down. 
(Of course NJ, relevant and to-the-point as always. Thanks for your descriptive detail. A real piece of work)

Bilal, 24, Male 
Why, i rather enjoy it. Honestly - both giving and receiving. Its lots of fun as well hah (oh boy i feel ever so slightly sleazy for admitting to that)

(No need to feel sleazy at all... why does it make you feel that way?)


S.K.A., 28, Male
Oral sex is only natural. Very much part of a healthy sex life. 

Hamid, 24, male
I absolutely love it. I don’t think it should be considered less than penetrative sex.

(Often provides more orgasms for women than penetrative sex does..so it definitely should be considered a part of the 'sex equation'.)

Arsalan, 20, Male
It abhors and disgusts me, I don’t know why, but I am not just ok with sucking a woman’s clitoris or whatever. Oral sex disgusts me. I don’t think I could respect the girl who once had my dick in her mouth.

(I appreciate your honesty Arsalan, and at least you find it disgusting both ways...so you're not a hypocrite. But I'd just like you to think about why it is that it bothers you so much? Because you give no reason for the hate...ps there's a lot more to it than sucking a clitoris, and one doesn't necessarily have to suck the clitoris at all)

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Once again, it'd be much appreciated if you leave a comment for Meena... :) 

28 comments:

  1. Impact of Sexual Incompatibility on Family & Social Life!

    Husband & wife relationship is most intimate, intense and interdependent, which has lasting influence on family life & its members especially children, elders and even friends. It is always desired that the relationship is well-matched but no or little efforts are made to improve it. Respect originates from home and wife sets the pattern which is followed by the children and others who carry it forward to the society. Home grown respect has an impelling impact on character, social behavior, morality and principles of life.

    Sexual compatibility has more than 70% role in the quality of male - female relationship. And sexually satisfied wife establishes and spreads respect for the husband.

    Male & female is adolescent by 13. Sexual frustration starts building due to lack of male female contact and freedom of sex among the teenagers. They are frustration packed when marry 10-15 years later. Due to this prolonged frustration build-ups, husband ejaculates on a touch (in most cases), making wife even more frustrated. Wife’s frustration increases due to lack of required stimulation necessary for her to peak the pleasure (orgasm). In a matter of few weeks respect of the husband falls on a down-slider. Newlywed wife expresses her sexual dissatisfaction with bedroom humiliation behaving erratically (since she is imparted with: that demanding sex is gross) which moves out in the open soon. She raises conflicting issues and stress on them. Husband, a defaulter in bed, has no option but to side with the wife.

    Unfortunately female sexual satisfaction is feared impossible to meet with, eventually male restricted to his own satisfaction. Admission of this factor is the reason for confining women to homes and their ban on meeting other males. This is based on a myth persisted due to ignorance, lack of guidance and education. This long time real male concern has developed quacks’ industry that makes living on by selling elusive, dangerous and ineffective male endurance medicines.

    Male anatomical criteria were designed for the primitive times when most young used to lose their life in search of food and protection of tribe. Consequentially potent male population used to fall far behind female; this condition impended male to have multiple sexual relations. The main objective behind this inclination was to service all females those could bear child for the purpose of procreation; therefore male sexual satisfaction is in placing semen. Thus desire for polygamy (multiple) relations.

    Civilization has balanced male and female population. So there is no flock of female’s in-waiting to be serviced. Present time compulsion is monogamy. So male is restricted to one female and is responsible to provide sexual satisfaction with sole responsibility.


    Sex is the most intense pleasure in life! The pleasure connected with the copulation is an incentive for propagation and recreation.

    Population explosion in the recent times and the economic obligations necessitated population control and left sex mainly for recreation rather than procreation.

    Quality in any area of life does not come natural; child is potty trained, taught table manners, dressing-up and is provided with formal education for sustainability. In every field one needs to strive for quality by gaining knowledge through learning, study, exercises and practice. Why sex has been made an exception?

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  2. I think its a pretty simple concept. If you expect to receive oral, you should expect to give it too.

    Human interactions are based on things going 2 ways. Its not much of an 'interaction' if its just one way. I have heard some guy friends of mine in pk say that they think its gross for them to go down on a girl. But all those guys would never turn down a blow job, i can guarantee that. I never understood the reason for this double standard. At least your interviewee Arsalan deserves some respect for having the same opinion both ways.

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  3. You can not perform oral unless you love some one. I have performed it to a number of women I really loved and got the same in return. But at instances I was told not to go down cause she did not want me to. Few other refused me a blow job cause they did not want to do it. In past Girls preferred to satisfy me with oral cause they did not want intercourse and wanted to be virgins for there would be husbands or they thought oral is harmless and quick and can be performed without gettin out d there clothes. Well that was in the past. Presently oral is only done with love and it's great. But I don't mind occasional off the record orals from past flings, well over here past flings never stay past flings, almost all of them come back a few times

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    1. So you are admitting to cheating on your current partner then? Thats pretty awful. Oral sex is still sex... you can't have it 'off the record'

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  4. Well what an interesting discussion.I am all for it..both ways its a part of foreplay its part of the prophetic tradition one can say

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  5. The blog is great. But Eiynah's judgemental comments ruin it.

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  6. Well there are lot of reasons why men may not like to go down on a woman. Some times its the foul smell(yes some women have it! i experienced it with one woman it was disgusting i had to make an excuse and leave) if a woman has a foul smelling vagina then its not guys fault that he dun wanna go down it just kills the mood and who in the right mind would wanna kiss a rotten fish. Another reason which happens to be most popular is that its dirty most men (who can afford)keep mistresses on side who can give perform fellatio because they dont want their wives to go down on them to keep them pure(what a hypocrite man to be honest) but yea most men don't go down on women because of that and this breed of men also dun like kissing after their partner has finished blowing them. The third and another popular reason is male ego, Humans like other animals are also selfish, though we do have complex emotions that make us fall in and out love or give us our drive to achieve but deep down inside we are all animals asserting our dominance over others and women esp in eastern society have traditionally been subservient to men(not gonna go into detail about the gender bias in our society we all know it exists) so men feel its beneath them to go down on a woman where as its her moral obligation to suck him dry. This selfish neanderthal behavior in men is maybe more popular in eastern societies but its not limited to Asia and Pakistan in general but these kind of prehistoric men are every where. Religion is another reason some men use to excuse them out of it but this reason goes down the drain the man is having a premarital or extra marital affair or is asking his wife to perform oral on him where as he gets why by bring religion into it(only shows his hypocritical nature)if on the other hand a man genuinely refrains from religious purpose then this kind of man should conduct research on this topic because i am pretty sure its not forbidden in religion.
    Now i personally feel that oral sex is a part of any exciting and healthy sexual relationship whether its casual or permanent, and is pretty enjoyable in both giving and receiving and its a great turn on.

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    1. I think you hit the nail on the head here; "men feel its beneath them to go down on a woman where as its her moral obligation to suck him dry"

      However as for the foul smell, sure thats a reason for anyone to not wanna go down, but a healthy clean vagina shouldnt smell like rotten fish. Sure genitals never smell like roses... but they dont smell unbearable either. ps. penises dont smell like roses either :P but in all seriousness if there is a really terrible smell there might be an infection or some medical issue... or a simple lack of hygiene

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    2. Yes females do smell like roses,just because you dont doesnt mean u can speak for the whole female population
      My hubby also said i tasted sweet. The vulva is more beautiful than any rose.
      These little boys trash talking vaginas need to be checked...real men dont do that
      Its not females theyre into.thats why they talk trash

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    3. I dont think it has got anything to do with religon or male ego.Its simply DISGUSTING! Its as disgusting as licking asses and I would never do that nor expect my partner to do the same until and unless she is fond of doing it! But then i would tell her straight away not to expect the same from me in return. CHocie would be hers

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    4. Anonymous, women smell like women, not like flowers. Get over yourself.

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    5. haha precisely. My thoughtd exactly elissaf :)

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  8. It just freaks me out... even the thought of doing it does, I feel as if the act is degrading to both men and women.

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  9. Agreed with Ali's comment ryt above.Its Gross,Either way.

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    1. At least u guys are consistent and not hypocritical..

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  10. oral sex is great ... try it guys ... nothing is more intimate during foreplay. Just make sure to shower with a perfumed gel :-) ... Have fun

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    1. Actually perfumed gels and douches can mess with the ph balance of a vagina... so its best to stick to regular soap/bodywash and warm water

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  11. As a woman, I love giving to my man as well as receiving from him. I find it extremely erotic and I can orgasm so strongly that my whole body shakes. My man and I are very close, we shower together first often if we don't feel clean. It is the ultimate act of intimacy. I honestly don't think I could be with a man who didn't give and accept receipt of this wonderful form of pleasure.

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  12. Honestly it depends a lot on the woman. Every woman is different, in the sense that some enjoy it immensely and some don't; just because it's your fetish doesn't mean it's theirs as well. So as far as the point of oral sex being unappealing to either of the people engaging in it goes, then it's justified. However, if the reasoning behind them not willing to even TRY oral sex is something that has to do with religion, then that just isn't right. Your partner deserves to be pleased just as much as you expect them to please you, so not willing to perform oral sex on them while asking for them to do it to you is not only hypocritical it is downright a dick move.

    Personally I love giving my girlfriend oral sex. I find it very exotic and an extreme turn on. At first I was a little apprehensive because all this was new to me and the taste wasn't all that appealing but a few tries later and a little tweaking of the diet got her tasting amazing! I guess i'm lucky enough to have a girlfriend who both smells and tastes good. Having looked around the internet i've discovered that a lot of people have complained about oral sex to being repulsive because their partner isn't very pleasant to go down on. I suppose people would be less apprehensive and more accepting if their partner took care of their personal hygiene.

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  13. I think that is where the difference between the term 'having sex' and 'making love' is.
    For me, it have always been the greatest turn on for me to know that my partner is into it and enjoying it to her max.
    I have always done it, and yeah love receiving it too.

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  14. I'm with a British Pakistani guy who moved here when he was 15 so he's lived half about his life back in PK and half here. We're both from Muslim families but neither of us believe--we are more agnostic/atheist.

    However, his family is fairly traditional in terms of male/female roles (his mum is a subservient gentle silent stay-in-the-kitchen type; my bfs never cooked or made tea etc). I come from a very different Indian progressive family (we've been out of the homeland for a few generations). Anyway, with no religious hangups (and very few cultural).. sexually my bf always seemed as liberal as I was...or so I thought.

    Your description: "dress up in sexy lingerie for him, while he decides to go at it with next to no foreplay whatsoever (does spread your legs count??!!), and then he expected me to orgasm just from that......" really struck home for me. My bf has a similar attitude regarding sex. I've thought long and hard about where it may stem from and I think it's a variety of factors.

    His upbringing in terms of culture and religion is the most salient--I think he genuinely thinks sex is supposed to be a certain way- that women should orgasm from just penetration and in fact he feels inadequate that I don't cum. Now he wasn't a virgin before me so I'm guessing in his previous experiences (limited I might add)he has had women who have been more willing to fake it. So inexperience, cultural norms and resultant feelings of inadequacy all play together here.

    I was frankly very surprised and disappointed at how he went about things in/before bed- a bit dumbfounded that he thought a bit of fumbling and pulling etc (ouch!) would "get me ready" for him. Oral sex (for me) is an uncomfortable subject for him. He has never done it for anyone and thinks it will take him time to get ready to do it for me...whatever that means. It's a bit of an exercise in frustration for both of us. Communication on the topic is strained as he is uncharacteristically mum and stubborn when I bring it up. I think it may be feelings of inadequacy mixed with a bit of shattering of his expectations of women in bed.

    I've been with men from other cultures before and the experience was very different. One white ex absolutely loved going down on me and it was a must- regardless of whether we ended up actually having sex. Others were pretty much the same- almost obligatory/'expected'...they didn't even hesitate to 'get down' to business. I can easily say that I think in the western culture it is more of a norm nowadays.

    Coming from a VERY gender-neutral family (my parents equally share all household responsibilities and they both work etc), my bfs attitude really bothered me. He's a lovely, loving guy (though a bit lazy and selfish at times- aren't we all though?) but god, our sex life is not one to write home about. We're at a serious stage now (family involved) and there's talk of engagement. Maybe its terrible but I'm having second thoughts based on our different 'attitudes'...yes, towards sex but doesn't that show a more general inclination? It reeks to me of sexist underlying assumptions of the different roles and expectations he may have of men/women.

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    1. Its only natural that you're having second thoughts! And I say have them now before you're in this deeper. If he cant even discuss oral sex for you comfortably.... yet is fine receiving it from you.. there is a lot of selfishness, as well as skewed religious/cultural biases here at play, just as you mentioned. But if he is not even willing to have an honest discussion to increase the amount of pleasure he can give you... then think of all the other things he wont be ready to do. I say tackle this kind of attitude before you tie the knot... these things may not seem so important but they bleed into other aspects of our lives...its not just about sex... its about his attitude behind it.. and then the things related to that attitude, like his attitude towards women etc. Is this really something you can be ok with forever ? I think if you reason with him, you can probably get him to drop the biases... get him to read the blog with you.... it'll get the conversation started... you can talk to him about 'these other peoples stories' without making it super personal and getting him defensive. I think the problem you have is one thats very common in our culture... so thanks for writing about it. And hope you guys resolve it! Cheers, E

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  15. I am a Pakistani Male 35,
    Be prepared for a few surprises as your blog is read by only a lucky few of the chunk of Pakistanis and very few take the pain to comment...
    My Pakistani conservative partner 32 REFUSES MY OFFERES to go down on her...and i don't even ask her to reciprocate the favour (Although it would be appreciated.
    Although i dont have any data to support, but majority of even well educated Pakistani women associate many taboos with oral sex may it be cunnulings and all... I am sure there would be many women who refuse vaginal oral sex due to one of the following reasons:-
    1.ITS DIRTY and may cause men some disease.
    2.It will be HARMFUL for vagina
    3.Its doesnt gimme sexual pleasure( as majority of women are shy even to admit sexual pleasure)
    4. Its not allowed in ISLAM
    5. It seems disgusting and lusty etc etc
    6. Most of gals dont have feeling of real love for their partner which forbids them to be intimate
    The above problems are EVEN BIGGER AND MIGHTIER THAN MALE SHAVENISM
    and some MALE PAKISTANI insiting on the rights of his DICK...
    I would appreciate any one disagreeing with me with SOLID REASONS











































































































































































































































    if given)

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  16. "Miscarriage reduction
    Oral sex is correlated with reducing the risk of miscarriages by inducing immunological tolerance to the proteins in sperm, a process known as paternal tolerance."

    Thanks for some good links there. I have even come across recommendations on the web that unprotected anal sex helps to an even greater degree in building such immunological tolerance since there is direct contact of intestinal flora to sperm. Although this approach falls in the realm of rather unconventional, some childless couples may wish to consider or explore it.

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  17. I lived in Pakistan for 7 years during the 90's. Most married women that I had affairs with had already been receiving and giving oral sex. The middle class seemed to be the most reserved whereas upper class women would generally #$%! you rather than you them.

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  18. Kissing Allah's greatest creation "woman" where ever she so desires, is worshipping his worshipping his works.

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  19. the whole oral sex theory actually came through movies(of course) western.who ever watched them in their teenage might build up the likings of cunnlings. someone wrote above that oral sex is very less common in middle class women in pak. i totally agreed on this. hell our conservative women even think sex as just an obligation which they have to perform in order to make babies plus just to please their husbands. i can safely say that the men in pak society are sexually repressed bcz of women point of view of sexual pleasure.

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