Thursday, December 13, 2012

"...She gave me a speech about the size of my breasts..."


Natasha, 23, Female

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

I vaguely remember a girl I went to school with [who my Mom didn’t approve of for being classless] whispering to me what ‘sex’ was at lunch time when I was about 6 years old.  I went home later that day, and decided to inform my Mom all about this ‘sex’ I’d heard of.  She sat me down, gave me a basic scientific speech, and told me that sex was an expression of love between an adult man and woman, and that was that.  I must admit, when the girl told me about sex, it sounded totally gross to me – probably normal for a six year old…

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?
Definitely.  The amount of attention women get on the streets is filthy, as a woman, you feel almost embarrassed to possess breasts when people look at you that way.  

Oh I totally agree, I remember going to the Sunday bazaars and other markets... not only being felt up in the crowds but fuck i have never had anyone look at me in such a 'molest-ey' way before... it was hella disturbing. They are practically salivating....sometimes my husband got stared at in that way too....There is just so much repressed sexuality, in my opinion, that there is no gay or straight in a lot of cases.... its just sexuality out of necessity....and its oozing out of them... the people... the men in the streets...they can hardly control themselves... my grandmother had her butt pinched at a market once... I mean, COME ON!!! *shudder* Sorry to interrupt, do continue;

This does not happen in the same manner or to the same extent in England, where there is less repression.

I honestly don't think that level of gawking and salivating happened in Saudi either... but the 'religious police' might've had a hand in that. I was in the Dominican Republic last week and I noticed that the male staff at the resort were really the least pervy men I've ever been around... they were surrounded 24/7 by women in thongs and bikinis... there were nip slips galore... and it didn't phase 'em. Like not in the least... they would never even glance at a girls behind...Everything was so open and free.. women were dressed so skimpily that the men had kind of become de-sensitized. I admit, I enjoyed the freedom to dress however I wanted and not be stared at, as a woman, it made me feel more human and less like an object. 

Whether that level of desensitization is a good thing or not is a whole other discussion...but put simply, yes I agree with u. The amount of exposure to women correlates with how much or how less they are perceived as an object. 

Our issues with sex are definitely multifactorial; Pakistanis are obsessed with gossiping and commenting on/having an opinion about EVERYTHING, no matter how unrelated to them it can be, and I see a lot of this in interactions with people.  Once, when I was about thirteen/fourteen, my father and I went to his village to give our condolences to the widow of his childhood friend.  I was meeting the unknown, unrelated woman for the first time in order to express my sadness at her husband’s [my father’s childhood friend] passing, and she gave me a speech about the size of my breasts, informing me that girls with big breasts were considered to be girls of bad character, and I should try to ‘do something’ about them.  Naturally, she didn’t specify WHAT I could do with the breasts that this stranger deemed too big, but nevertheless, she still had her opinions about my sexual organs.  The amount of wrong there is with a situation like this cannot be explained, but all of these issues with the female gender and sexuality feed in to each other, causing issues within Pakistan.



Wow there is all kinds of wrong happening in the situation you just described. And sadly, I'm not that surprised that a complete stranger felt it was her place to tell you how inappropriate your breasts were....when you were there to offer your condolences nonetheless. 

I have been in situations where my body parts have been scrutinized by strangers (in Pakistan)... In fact, I was at a wedding once....innocently dancing away... when one woman jumped up and asked that i be seated. She claimed that i looked too 'provocative' and was dancing in too attractive a manner to be seen in public. Now let me put this into context here; I was seventeen, a fucking kid. I was not stripping or grinding up against anyone... and to this day I have no clue what that woman found inappropriate about my dancing...All I know is that at some point she had wanted to approach my parents for rishta (marriage) purposes and thus felt that she had a right to my body. Anyhow, I prolly ruined my chances of getting a proposal from her son that night... and good for them, cuz I can't imagine them enjoying me laughing in their face. 

Anyhow.. back to the situation u described... I mean how sick is this woman that she puts aside grieving for her husband to tell you your breasts are too big. Not-so-subtly implying that you are a girl of bad character, for some physical characteristic you had no control over....what does she expect  you to do with them anyway? I would love to hear her solution...it'd prolly be something like put a dupatta over them, or wear loose fitting clothing...

I can't get over how inappropriate this woman is. her husband has died.... and that is why you are there...could she not control her urge to put you down for the time you were there so that she seemed more genuinely upset about her recent loss...? For fuck's sake, thats just manners...

Anyhow, hope u didn't take it personally... that woman was clearly nuts.  

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex? 
Yes, I’m sexually active, and immensely enjoy my sex life.  Sex can be loving and beautiful, it can be hot, therapeutic, comforting, cathartic, happiness inducing and great exercise, it has many different ‘faces’ and ‘effects’ and never monotonous.  In short, I think sex is the bees knees.

On premarital sex:
I do engage in premarital sex.  My current sexual partner is my boyfriend of almost two years, and we are in a loving happy relationship, which I find sex to be a very natural part of.  I feel that people’s sexual choices, as long as they are not physically or mentally abusive and between two consenting, competent adults, are their own to be made, and should not be dictated by anything else.  Living in England, I have an exposure to people who are virgins until marriage with limited contact with the opposite sex, as well as those who live on the other end of the sexual spectrum, and choose behavior characterized as more ‘promiscuous.’  I have seen pros and cons of both existences, and I definitely try to avoid judging either people’s choices.  I think living my own life, I have no right [or need] to judge others and their choices, and definitely should not have a ‘say’ in their bedroom activities.

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life? 
Yes

On Arranged Marriage: 
I am not married, and I do not know anyone in an arranged marriage, therefore have no perspective on its effects on sexuality.

On Sex & Equality:
It definitely can be equal. For instance, many acts, practices and positions can be enjoyed equally by both partners.  However, there are some that feel obliged to engage in things that do not give them pleasure solely for their partner’s pleasure, or because they think it is expected of them.  For instance, a man may not enjoy sex as much with a woman on top, however he may oblige her as it is a position that works better for her. Conversely, I have spoken with many girls who do not enjoy giving oral sex, but feel [due to media, film, magazine, porn etc] that it is expected of them or that they should do it solely because their partner enjoys it.  Healthy relationships can include compromise, as long as neither partner is compromising their health, comfort, safety and values.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?
I think that men and women were created equal, but different.  I would be blind to ignore the physical differences between men and women, as obviously, physically, a man can easily overpower my small physique. However, I do not think that men and women should have different rights or expectations in society, and unfortunately, this is the case in Pakistani society.  There are different rules for men and women by and large, and this, to me, is unacceptable.  

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?
Yes, I find multiple orgasms to be a frequent occurrence in my sex life.  I originally believed the phenomena of female ejaculation to be a phenomenon seen only in porn, but with my partner have frequently experienced this, thanks to his love and exploration of my body.  They are awesome.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?
Yes.  I have never found this alone, and I find that it is easier with a partner.  My partner often engages my G-Spot, which I believe to be linked with the experiencing of multiple orgasms.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?
I think that this phenomenon is seen more frequently in women, and I know a couple of girls who have experienced this.  I think there are rare cases where orgasms are very difficult to achieve for women, but I think that inexperience, on their own part and their partner’s part, are the more common reasons for this.  I think that with understanding of your body and your partners, there comes a better understanding on how to make them come.  Women’s bodies are very different to men’s, so it can be difficult for some men to understand what to do.  However, I think women can help this situation by better understanding their own bodies, and conveying it to their partners to aid mutual sexual satisfaction.

Do you think about sex every day? 
Yes, depending on the day, it can range anywhere from 5 times a day to a hundred.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life? 
I think sex plays a major role in the human experience in general.  Our natures and the nutured aspects of our personalities, as well as extrinsic factors upon our lives such as faith, society and defining experiences come together to define the specific ‘face’ and ‘role’ that sex has for everyone personally.  Some people are given negative sexual experiences, where others are luckier.  In order for a healthy, functioning society, it is our duty to sexually educate our young adults.  This ranges from warning them about sexual predators so that they may be aware of the dangers one can face in the world, to education about sex in a scientific manner, even to the dangers and implications of rape etc.  I believe that if a person has a good sex education at a definitive age, then it arms them with a better chance of having positive sexual experiences.  I think that this is a VERY difficult job, but a worthwhile one, nonetheless.  To me, sex is an integral part of my relationship, as well as an expression of my sexuality, and I feel I have been lucky in my parenting, education and experiences, which have better armed me to find sex as being ‘positive.’

On Masturbation:
I think masturbation is a natural exploration that adolescents engage in, and can be healthy or obsessive.  Masturbation can be a healthy part of adult sexual experiences also.

I find it interesting that adolescents were the first thing that came to your mind when thinking about masturbation. :) Of course u do mention that its a healthy part of adult experience too... but I wonder why that came as a second thought..

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you? 
Absolutely not.  I can see why people have this religious preference, but it should work both ways.  If a man wants a wife who is a virgin for religious reasons, he should be adhering to the same standard that he expects from his partner. 

On Pornography:
The term pornography is a wide net to cast.  There are many types and subtypes of pornography.  First of all, the pornography that I speak of is not in reference to anything involving children, animals, or depicting snuff scenes or rape scenes.  Excluding these, I think that certain types of pornography can be healthy and enjoyable.  I have enjoyed watching porn both alone, and with my boyfriend in certain moods.  As a woman, I have oft heard the complaint from other women saying that they find very little porn to be erotic.  Apparently, female-oriented porn is a largely growing market in a world of breaking taboos where women have also become consumers in the adult market.  This can be seen with the huge popularity of the erotic novel series, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’  Although I attempted to read this novel from an Academic viewpoint, I was not able to associate with it, or understand why it  has become one of the fastest-selling novels of all time, but I understand that women worldwide have enjoyed the book immensely – perhaps the future alternative to pornography for women?

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country? 
I have never heard of this practice from anyone I know, in fact, the first time I was exposed to this idea was through this blog.  However, in England, we joke that the Welsh engage in sexual practices with sheep, and this is a common joke world-wide.  I just want to point out that bestiality is a sickness, and although I believe in exploration of one’s self sexually, if you do this with animals, you need serious psychiatric help.  I do not think that the excuse ‘there are no other outlets’ are acceptable.

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?
Although I think that homosexuality is not in congruence with the laws of nature [if it were, it would result in reproduction as with all mating in nature], I do not believe it to be wrong.  I think that homosexuality is inherent, and a part of a person.  They can no more chose being straight, than they can choose their ethnicity.  I think that homosexual couples are no different to straight couples.  I believe them to have the same inherent rights of marriage and having children.  I do not think that being gay makes you a better or worse parent, nor a better or worse man/woman.  Personally, if I had the choice between my parents being an unhappy, unloving straight couple, and a gay couple who love each other, I would chose the latter.  I think a loving household is better than a straight household.

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality? 
Immensely so.  I actually spoke about the importance of sex education in an earlier question.  As I attended a Catholic school for my Primary education, the sex education there was limited to the Menstrual Cycle and information about sex leading to pregnancy.  However, at my High School, we had a much wider sexual education covering all bases; scientific, health and disease, social contexts and counseling.  We even learned how to correctly use condoms, and had an anonymous Q & A session for people’s embarrassing questions.  I think that this is VERY important in schools.  I understand that more Conservative societies may not wish to do things quite the same, but none the less a scientific and health and disease portion is unavoidable from basic knowledge.

What kind of role do you think sex plays in religion?
Absolutely none.  I can understand the benefits of religion for society, and I am a large advocate of everyone’s right to religious affiliation, but that same right of freedom applies to people’s sexuality.  I understand that religiously, sex is seen as an act of consummation of a marriage, and that is why it is sacred.  I also think that times have moved on, and since we no longer get married at the age people did 1500-2000 years ago, then our natural sexual needs remain largely unfulfilled until marriage, and therefore it is less realistic a concept to remain virginal until marriage.  I do expect that sex with a partner in marriage can have layers to it that more ‘promiscuous’ sex does not. Despite this, I do not see why there would be certain acts, or times of the month that should be off limits since clerics/religion say so.

Do you think we have a problem in this country with sexual predators and Paedophiles, and to what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world?
I think that sexual predators and pedophilia are a human condition.  I believe them to exist in the same percentages in Pakistan as they do worldwide.  However, I feel that we are less aware of this issue than the rest of the world.  We trust our children alone with MANY people that we believe to warrant our trust, when truly, one should always be vigilant with their children.  Family members abuse children worldwide, as do people in authoritative positions such as doctors and teachers and priests.  However, our society doesn’t accept this happens, we are blinded to it, and do not raise awareness/educate ourselves and our children, and this is our crime, not ‘more perversion’ than the rest of the world.

As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing? 
I do not really worry about other people’s practices, or try to define my own through the lens of others.  There have been times where I have spoken to my female friends for advice concerning sexual matters, and they may have related their own lives as advice, but other than this, no.

What are your thoughts on oral sex: 
I think oral sex can be highly pleasurable for both men and women, and can be used actively and frequently within a healthy sex life, as long as both partners enjoy both giving and receiving oral sex.
_________

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Natasha. You made some very good points and shared some interesting personal stories. I'd just like to refer back to the aunty who thought ur breasts were too big for a second, and point out that her and women like her are indicative of a much deeper problem in our society... one where patriarchy is ingrained in every fibre of (almost) every woman's being. So much so that women are policing other women, its fuckin' 1984 up in here... they automatically think that a woman's body is an object...  a thing of shame.. something to hide...something to be controlled...

Till next time :) I'd love to hear more from anyone who has an interesting story to share. Send me an email NicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom, a tweet or even a facebook msg.

Cheers. 


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Women are not Objects...

I know, I know it's been a while since I last posted.... but I've been busy juggling so many things, you have no idea. 

Anyhoo...I'm back... and hopefully will keep posting :) Especially since I have so many interviews and stories to share. Thanks to everyone who has written in. Thank you for your patience...just bear with me for a little bit...and hopefully u'll see ur story up soon.

I wanted to share an interesting Tumblr I came across on twitter (courtesy of the lovely @Bhaichod )... The writer is an illustrator, blogger, advice-giver and a niqabi, who goes by the name of 'Little Miss Islam'! I know right, wtf indeed. I thought that the fundamentalist, glove-wearing, face-hiding types were not supposed to draw living things because of the the erm,, 'haram factor' ?... 

As mind-boggling as this sounds, I will leave you with some of her rather ludicrously wonderful (in an ironic kind of way) illustrations....

(I have seen on her blog that she tells people they can share her pictures as long as they are credited to her and not altered in any way, so I am taking the liberty to share them here under those conditions. I will add my two cents at the bottom of 'em tho :P)


artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

Oh dear, the niqab is an excuse to hide your smile? Thats the first time I've heard that! But why? Why can't women express something as basic and human as 'joy' ... why must even that be covered up and controlled? 

artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

I will be the first to admit that it does. I'm not sure if it's the 'Iman' exactly, but something definitely scares me and makes me feel uncomfortable. 

artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

With all due respect, Little Miss Islam. I'm not sure I appreciate the objectification here. I am a woman and I have a functioning brain...I am most certainly not like an inanimate object that is meant for consumption.

artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

Uhhh....Wtf?! In reference to the picture above where u mentioned something scaring me....perhaps this was it.... this definitely scares me. 

artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

I have to admit, I heard the exact same sentence at a fetish night once. Yup, the person in question was wearing a rather medieval looking harness.. 

artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

Wow what? This is a thing? I didn't even know this was a thing... Some niqabis look down on hijabis? Why can't we just be happy that they are making an effort to be pious in the first place? 

artwork from: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

And I saved the best for last, this is by far my favourite illustration. Little Miss Islam, if this is for sale, I would like to purchase a print. It'd look great in my study. :) 

To find more of these awesome doodles visit: http://niqabdiaries.tumblr.com

Whatever your view on religion and feminism is, you gotta admit she does draw really well... and its bizarre to see little illustrations of niqabis. Whether she intends to be humorous or not, I'm not entirely sure....either way...her work makes me smile. 

*     *     *

But now that I've talked about something lighthearted.. its time to get serious. I did an interview with Tanya not so long ago and it broke my heart... once again...

The reason i like to put something less serious with something more serious is to not get you all down and depressed, so that you're more able to face the horrible truth; the fact that our country is full of sexual abuse. We may try to hide it and continue living our lives as if none of that occurs in Pakistan, as if that's mostly a problem in the West... but it's everywhere...it's time to start acknowledging it. Speaking out about these things is the only way to break down the taboo associated with sex abuse in our society. The more and more comfortable we get engaging in discussions about it, the more likely the abusers are to get caught. 

Everyone that comes forward and speaks out, brings it one step closer to breaking those barriers. 

However, if you're easily triggered by stories of abuse, now might be the time to stop reading. 

Tanya's story:

*     *     *

Tanya, 25, Female

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

I was 12 when I overheard girls in my class discussing the mechanics. Sounded absolutely pointless and kind of disgusting. I remember one of my first thoughts was, “That is not something my parents would do.”

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

A country that looks down upon chaste, heterosexual couples hanging out in public, but indulges in pornography, prostitution, homosexuality behind closed doors? Yes, quite repressed.

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex? 

My first time, I was raped by someone I trusted. I was 18. I have not been able to enjoy it since.

I'm heartbroken to hear this Tanya, I am every single time I hear a story like yours...it never gets easier to hear about someone else's pain. And to live through it, must be a struggle every day still. I'm sure. I just hope you have a good support system of friends and family. I hope you are not afraid to share this information with the ones you care about most - because it would be quite a burden to carry on your own. I also sincerely hope that you have told someone and that someone has taken some action against the asshole. Has he been confronted, caught and/or sentenced?

It is very often someone you trust, thats how they get to you. My friend in university went through something very similar in her past... and it was one of her best friends that raped and beat her. Its sometimes hard to know if its the betrayal or the physical abuse that hurts more...

Its awful but completely understandable that it has had a lasting effect on your sexuality. But with time, patience, trust, love....these things can mend. The human body and mind are more resilient than we know.

On premarital sex:

I’ve changed my stance on this over time. Used to be against, now I’m indifferent to it. Matter of personal choice – as long as both partners are consensual and are practicing safe sex, more power to them.

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life? 

Yes.

On Sex & Equality:

There’s absolutely no strict definition what gives either party pleasure. It’s not necessarily equality in the actual act itself, but I do believe that any good sex involves both parties coming out with at least an equal amount of satisfaction.

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

No.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?

Found it on my own, after many years of avoiding exploring for it. Still haven’t been able to achieve “maximum potential” I think ;)

Just the fact that you are trying and succeeding shows that you're healing. And I'm glad to hear it. Many women actually never find it, some say its a myth... the fact that you found something says alot about a lot. :)

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

It took me 4 years of reconciliation with my rape to be able to come to a point where I could achieve orgasm, and even then it wasn’t with another partner. Still a long way away from recovering, I guess.

You may feel like you're a long way from recovering, but the fact that you got over a four year period where you couldn't have an orgasm, shows that you've come a long way too. 

Do you think about sex every day? 

At least once or twice a day.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life? 

Not particularly, but sexuality does.

On Masturbation:

Female masturbation is a lot more complex – and unique – than male masturbation. It’s not necessarily something women talk about openly amongst themselves, and it’s not as obvious in terms of mechanics as penile stimulation might be. I was well into my 20s the first time I masturbated, and only achieved orgasm that way months and months after.

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you? 

As long as the person has no issues with getting tested, absolutely no problem.

On Pornography:

Won’t go into technicalities of how it’s shot and the ethics behind its availability, but I’m generally in favor of it, whether alone or with a partner. No harm in safe external stimulation.

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?

I personally subscribe to the Kinsey school of thought. Life would be a lot easier if people stopped identifying under any particular label, but admitted there’s a certain degree of homosexuality and heterosexuality in everyone.

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality? 

Absolutely. Ignorance and abstinence-only programs lead to dangerous situations. If we were more open about discussing these things and educating the youth about them, we’d be able to avoid a large number of unplanned pregnancies, STDs and quite a number of life-threatening situations. Of course, for such education to exist, there needs to be better legislation and protection.

What kind of role do you think sex plays in religion?

I think sex is a strictly perfunctory act in religion, used for procreation and, in most cases, for tethering partners together. Think of it as a kind of branding or marking of partners as one’s territory.

Do you think we have a problem in this country with sexual predators and Paedophiles, and to what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world?

Absolutely. Like I mentioned right near the beginning, it’s a repressed society. There’s going to be a significant amount of unethical perversion and looking for whatever outlet is available with the smallest amount of repercussion. Not to mention that the domination and the terror it causes is an addiction to many. I do think there’s a greater extent of it here, but that doesn’t make it a uniquely local problem in any form.

What are your thoughts on oral sex: 

All for it (if consensual, of course).

Thank you for sharing your story Tanya. I'm sure its never easy to share an experience like that, but its important...and I'm sure you've reached some people that went through it too. 

Till next time. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

ABC's for little Pakistanis

Now before u get ur undies in a twist about me being an expat and having an opinion on Pakistan....please note that this is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings....don't take it personally...

Also, grow the fuck up or stop looking at this page. Sure it may offend you, if u like to live in denial of certain truths about Pakistan. 

Now, who wants to publish my book? (no one? Omfg... what a surprise! :o)

(Update: oh looks like someone did want to publish it, electronically at least)

If u'd like to see larger images, click on the first one and scroll through them with the arrow keys. 






























Monday, September 24, 2012

An update from the girl who couldn't - on Orgasms &Oral...

A few weeks ago, there was some discussion on twitter about an old post of mine. Sam's story to be precise. Sam wrote about never having an orgasm...yet enjoying sex...

She baffled me and a lot of other women too.. It was the contrast of never having an orgasm and yet 'enjoying' the sex that threw me off... 

Anyhow, some ladies were curious about whether there had been any progress with that. So I decided to email Sam for an update. Here's what she had to say: 


...there has been one time where I think I did have one..except I can't be sure... I know this sounds bizarre but that actual moment is like a bit of a blank in my memory. What also makes me think these might have been orgasm's was because I felt really really emotionally over-whelmed and completely spent.. and that rarely happens to me during sex, i never reach a stage where I want or need it to stop,  (or maybe we'd just had too much sex, but seriously that has rarely ever happened, probably because I never orgasm)

But since I wrote to you and realised how strange my situation is I've thought abt it a lot and i've talked to ppl abt it, i am beginning to think that if anything this is more of psychological barrier rather than physical.

Fahmida's story really struck me because it made me realise that sex with someone whose trying to please you isn't just physically pleasurable but the idea that another person cares so much about how you feel and wants to make you feel good and can make you feel so much pleasure is so wonderful. It would be real strength to any relationship. and when ppl hold back because of their hang-ups or issues, they're not only depriving their partner but also themselves...

well thats an update on my life. I'm curious though, is there anyone else who you've spoken to who shares this problem? would love to know i'm not the only one of a kind :)

*     *     *


I'm glad she mentions Fahmida, because it seems that her story has hit a nerve with many, many people.

Here's what my female interviewees had to say about oral sex:

Ayesha, Female, 28
Again a personal choice. I myself have gone down on my partners because in that moment I wanted to. Again, it is very hard to theorize sex and try to work within laws.

Layla, Female, 19
I love getting it, but not too fond of giving it. Its def one of the best ways to please your partner, and also a selfless one. Its dam tiring sometimes, and well I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with it. 

Ambreen, Female, 28
uhh... i like receiving it .. im not a big fan of giving it ..... i think it takes too long... my jaw hurts....  

Mariam, Female, 26

Oral sex is great…love it…sometimes it’s a perfect way to keep your man happy when you’re not really in the mood because they tend to be in the mood a lot more often than women …from what I’ve seen…and for you it’s terrific… because it does a lot more for you…for most women than intercourse itself…so go for it! 

Sumeira, Female, 25 

I’d rather give than receive oral sex because it’s an ego trip for me – that’s how it was in my past relationship. It was a method of control because I did control that person with sex. I know I could do it for that person better than anyone else – I was seeing a woman – I want her to remember… anyone that I’ve been with. 6 out of 10 times I did it to her – that’s how I made it.


Zobia, Female, 22
Oral sex is good and fun.  More than men, women often require it to reach an orgasm.  Its unfortunate though that many males in our community think its wrong to go down on a girl and are completely fine with the idea of their ‘girls’ going down on them.

Saira, Female, 22

I have no problem with oral sex.. I think its another form of showing ur partner u care about their feelings... i think its absolutely pathetic when men rfefuse to give oral sex to women... some desi men especially have issues.... its too bad.....its their insecurities....

 
Rabia Female, 23

Good question. I really wish I knew exactly how I felt about the inserting a man’s ‘willie’ into my mouth. Although the thought of it does disgust me – I do feel this could be the case because of the fact that I do not have a sexual partner. It’s hard to say what you would, or would not do “in the moment” especially if it is something you know could be extremely pleasurable to your partner. 

(I find it interesting that when I ask about oral sex, you automatically assume, I mean performing it on a man. And you're not the only female interviewee to think this way... )

(Im going to recycle an old drawing of mine, titled 'Everyone likes bananas' I find it to be quite appropriate... and also.. i don't have time to draw today. :P )



Farah, Female, 29

Mixed thoughts. Again, I would say that women are often pressurized to perform it. I think it can be great if it’s a give and take sort of thing. And re: swallowing. There is a HUGE pressure on women to do so and it is only recently really after have reading some feminist literature that I became more aware that it’s not necessary to fulfill a man’s fantasies, based perhaps on a lifetime of pornography videos, on swallowing. 

(Well however you came to that conclusion, I'm glad you did! Swallowing is a choice.. a preference...some women like to do it, some don't. If you don't like it... don't do it. A lot of women don't. What you see in porn is absolutely untrue.)


Sam, Female, 28

I think its a standard part of a sexually active life. Its not something that will physically turn on the person performing oral sex, but what is a turn on is your partner's reaction and knowing that you're being able to offer them pleasure.

I think both men and women have an irrational 'eww' apprehension towards performing oral sex for the their partners. Partially because they still find each other private parts very alien.When you're with someone sexually I think the least you can be, is comfortable with each others bodies.
i'm pretty generous when it comes to all kinds of sex, because I want my partner to enjoy themselves and specially in a long term monogomous reltionship, I feel I should offer my partner fulfillment, in return for their fidelity and love. I don't think its my duty, but i just treat it as part of a full sexual experience. However, I can't say partners always reciprocate, people can be pretty selfish about sex.


Maliha, Female, 21

Personally I would love to try it out on my partner.  I am under the impression that its terrifically stimulating for a guy so why not? One has doubts about hygiene but honestly, the human mouth has more germs than anywhere else in the body, and people are fine with kissing. But I think I’d have to be a very lucky girl to find a guy here who’s willing to go down on me.

(Maliha...why do you say that? why would u consider yourself 'very lucky', when you're more than willing to do the same for the person? Women need to recognize that they have every right to want the same types of pleasure in bed that they think men are entitled to. Guess what, you're entitled too! We need to change this attitude where we think we are only there to please men in bed. Anything they do for us is a bonus. Its utter BS, don't fall for it hun :) ) 


Mahreen, Female, 26
Love it. But if you’re a guy and you expect it, be prepared to spend some time down there yourself. 

(Hah. Very well said.)

Zulaikha, Female, 34
Oral sex rocks. It is natural and intimate and a loving gesture.

*     *     *

Thursday, September 6, 2012

"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross" - Part 2


So yesterday, a Pakistani blogger by the name of Falahi Behoodabadi posted a detailed response to my post about Fahmida. It seems that Fahmida's story has hit a nerve with a lot of people. I'm glad that so many have so much to say...generating discussion is the first step! It's important that all the voices and opinions are heard. Only then can we begin to understand the differences amongst ourselves. Below is my response to his response. These are excerpts from his post, you can read the full version here.

Thank you Falahi Behoodabadi, yours is an important contribution to the ongoing discussion about Pakistanis and their love/hate relationship with cunnilingus. I appreciate that you took the time to do this.


*     *     *

I read a blog by Nice Mangos, outlining the plight of a woman whose husband refuses to offer cunnilingus, despite the wife offering similar services in kind.

The interviewer is outraged as would be anyone confronted by someone with such a plight. However, the second phase of this blog, I’ve undertaken with her permission. The initial outrage makes it so that the general tone of the article blames Pakistani men in general. Which wasn’t the intention of the interviewer.


Well the way I see it, the Pakistani male population *in general* is pretty oppressive to women. A mega-patriarchy, if you will….A lack of education combined with the strict gender roles of the country make for a very chauvinistic society. There is no arguing that.  And from what I’ve heard, this attitude does extend into the bedroom too.

Now of course, there are always exceptions, as I mention over and over again. I’m sure there are plenty of well-educated, non-chauvinistic Pakistani men out there. But sadly, that is not the norm. Soooo I think I did intend to blame the rampant chauvinism that exists in Pakistani men in general (which doesn’t necessarily include you, or many of my male readers I’m sure…so please don’t take it personally. I myself am married to a Pakistani man who doesn’t display any of the aforementioned behaviour…so I do know that exceptions exist!)

Sixty percent of Pakistan is rural, and composed of starving women who barely have enough for themselves and their crying children to eat. These women are not worried about oral sex.

Im sure they would prefer pleasurable sex that results in magnificent orgasm(s) rather than the possibly painful or dull thrusting they must have to often endure. Sure you’re right when you say they are probably not worried about oral sex (how many actually think it's an option, even?), but the truth of the matter is…sex still happens. No matter how little people have to eat or survive on… the sex continues…perhaps more so in Pakistani rural areas because it may be one of the only forms of entertainment that’s cheaply available. So, the fact that sex still happens.. means that either its happening ‘to’ them [women] … or its happening ‘with’ them. There’s no way of really knowing what the average rural Pakistani woman’s sex life is really like, unless we go speak to a bunch of ‘em. But since that isn’t gonna happen…I will base my comments on educated guesses. More than likely, the sex happens ‘to’ them - Especially after the novelty wears off, the man in the relationship probably does his thing and rolls off, as he is taught over and over again. His wife is meant to satisfy him....there is little mention in religion or culture about female satisfaction. There's a Quran verse comparing women to farmland, ready for husband's to plough as they wish ffs. 

I’m sure if the women you mention, knew how different sex could be…they would truly appreciate a good session of mutual oral…

The blog points out that Pakistani women don’t speak up for themselves.
Pakistani women speak up a lot. You have to be in the right circle. Women talk about it. They’re not very careful speaking about these things to close friends. Perhaps they meant that they don’t speak up to their husbands about it.

Speaking to your friends about an issue is not really speaking up and having your voice heard. Speaking up happens when you raise your voice with the intention of change. Suppose someone were raped, and the only people they told were their close friends…. It wouldn’t achieve much really, so that would definitely not count as speaking up. Yes, you’re right in terms of equality in the bedroom… speaking up would imply that you communicated your dissatisfaction to your partner.

Sometimes incredible stories leak out. Some women react with a little bit of anger; this one woman I knew actively started spreading stories about her husbands tiny dick and his inability to please her when he refused to eat her out.

And later, she even shared pictures from when he was asleep. The man is still the joke of the city amongst most women.

Yes, there are always exceptions. The woman in your story was not shy - Perhaps even malicious… I wonder if she tried to address the problem with him before taking it to this level.

And at one point, when she loses the baby weight. She is surprised when she is told that he prefers her larger. Almost all men prefer larger, why does she act surprised?

Umm..really? There is a whole multinational industry based on selling the ideal ‘skinny’ body type to women everywhere. There are multitudes of eating disorders, why would this be the case if all men preferred larger? Unless you mean breasts, but even then, I don’t think it’s *all* men at all…

The issue with women being held up to unrealistic standards is that men are held up to ridiculous standards too.

You’re not seriously comparing what women have to go through in this world, especially in countries like Pakistan... to what men do....are you?…realllllly? I wouldn’t even know where to begin answering that.

If the wife wanted to do it [oral], then she did it willingly, expecting reciprocity was her mistake.
If the guy was unwilling then it might point to religious implications such that imply that he won’t because of religious reasons. In which case, religion denies oral sex too. But would also imply that he’s a hypocrite.
  
"Expecting reciprocity was her mistake" - Wow dude...speechless. 

I think in a loving relationship, one would naturally expect a little give and take. I don't think its a mistake to expect sexual satisfaction in return at all. 

Agree that that makes him a hypocrite. Im no religious scholar…but in my research I’ve found that Islam can be tolerant towards most sex stuff (within the boundaries of *hetero* marriage) except for anal really. But then again, these things are so subjective, it would depend on who u ask. Some sect, some interpretations are absolutely less tolerant. Some are definitely all about male pleasure, and find female sexuality/pleasure shameful in general. 

Also, dear women, I understand that sex for you is about the a lot of things. But trust me, saying it might as well be masturbation is incredibly insane. Trust me. Its quite different. The body reacts to the pheromones and the various chemicals. Its much much more gratifying.

Yes, yes I am well aware that selfish sex isn’t ‘exactly’ like masturbation…I didn’t mean it so literally.

One of the women I was with, her cum would actually congeal and go sour on her pussy. It would actually turn into something that tasted like rancid yoghurt. I would literally have to scoop it off before I put my tongue in and winced. That’s another thing that I never let her find out. BUT. This is in stark contrast to the one before her; who literally tasted like cinnamon honey. Her cum would never go bad. Another one was hairy. but she was never wet enough for it to drip outside. She tasted fine. Not too good. Not too bad. Fourth one dripped. But it was always so runny. Always dripped into her underwear. Never had any issues with smell or taste. Mildly pleasant. Except when she was near her periods. It would get more sour. Still. Never bad. 

Thanks for sharing your personal experiences in such great detail, because that’s insight that straight women would probably not get too often. I personally could do without knowing what all your past lovers tasted like, but hey it's possibly very useful information for someone. 

Bottom line; everyone is different. And lets face it, genitals don’t exactly taste/smell like vanilla ice cream (ur honey cinnamon girl must have used some product/lotion too) – but with good hygiene and health it should be pretty neutral…

But as for your ex with the rancid yoghurt problem…wow… that sounds pretty unpleasant. It sounds like she might have had some sort of infection, there could’ve been a lot of things causing that. But I’m no doctor…so I’ll refrain from guessing. Perhaps she needed to know so she could get it checked out? 

Regardless, even though that made you wince, you still dove in and didn’t let her know it grossed you out. I think you may have taken the politeness a little far… but still…. At least you had the decency to not gag. Whereas in Fahmida’s situation, I doubt its something as extraordinary as that….more like a mental issue. I’ve heard it before from a lot of Pakistani men. They just think going down on a woman is gross. I wrote yet another post about it here.

One of my girls always had to drink something after swallowing because otherwise she’d get a sore throat.

That’s interesting…

The woman should never lie about orgasming when they’re together.

Agreed. If you’re constantly lying, you’re not really facing the problem… and so it continues…

This just may be me, but from what I’ve seen in society and experienced in relationships, all women think they look beautiful. 

This statement is not true…there wouldn’t be all these eating disorders and cases of body dysmorphia if it were true. Sadly, women are more often than not.. insecure about some aspect of their physical appearance…the world in general is set up to perpetuate that.

Dressing up in the bedroom and lacy thongs; while good and all. They really won’t do much for your guy if he secretly isn’t attracted to you. 

This is just my opinion here, but if someone isn’t attracted to their spouse… that’s the beginning of a whole lot of other issues…

It’s opportunity cost. The most efficient way for a partner to please their mate is to focus on the things that the mate actually likes about them. So if your mate likes you because you’re a social whore, be more of that. If your mate likes you because you have incredibly smart papers published by oxford, do more of that. If your mate likes you because you earn more money, do more of that.

So just be a robot, and do more of whatever our partner likes? A very odd approach. 
And if there’s no honest communication about this kind of stuff in the first place, how would you attempt that? Also, stating the obvious....you have to be your own person. You can't just do things to please other people. 

On a side note. The woman on top thing making the man too sensitive. This is common. He is hitting her cervix. Basically a bit too long for her. Tell her to get on top. And lean back or forward. The angle will decrease him hitting her cervix and his glans getting tender). The thing about him not liking doing her from behind. The too lubricated thing, I suspect its bullshit and he doesn’t like her ass, or maybe her asshole isn’t waxed :P.

The first part of this para seems to be good practical advice, I will pass that along. Thanks. And yea I suspect bs on the too lubricated thing too...but the unwaxed asshole bit --- I won’t go into all the reasons it pisses me off. But I’ll just say this, maybe guys should try keeping a ‘perfectly waxed asshole’ esp after 2 kids and 16 years of one way oral…and little to no sexual gratification. We’ll talk about it more then :P

Also, dear women. If a guy avoids masturbation and only has sex with you, then this kinda makes me suspect that the man has an aversion to masturbation. Only religious people who don’t believe in masturbation have sex this often. If this is the case. A LOT OF THINGS need to be re-evaluated.

Agreed.

Also, a man who’s too tired to have fun with you, sounds like he’s cheating and squash game is the name of another woman. And the sweat he wants to clean up by taking a shower. That is another woman’s sweat, which is kinda why he doesn’t want you to, you know. Enjoy it. 

Now that would be a very sad reality…. But you may have a point. Something to think about Fahmida…